Pain Summary
Lower Back: 6

I don’t know why, but my back is still sore – generally it the worst and most noticeable in the morning.

Yesterday while I was at work Rachel sent me a text about some labradoodle puppies that where going to be available soon. $2500. I responded with “Definitely not in the budget. That is the same amount we just paid for the painter.”

Apparently that really made her mad. When I got home I could tell she was upset and she told me how angry it made her and how I reminded her of my dad when I did that. She said she hates being treated like a child.

It made me made that I was being treated this way. We ended up not talking for a while. I took the kids to Gehrig’s baseball practice while she went to Costco. When we got home later that evening we talked about it more. I expressed my frustration that she didn’t have any interest in budgeting and generally just tells me to let her know where we are at and when to stop spending. But then when I do this she feels like I am treating her like a child.

I think this journaling and being aware of my emotions is helping me to talk things out more rather than just letting them stew.

It is interesting to me that as I write this stuff out I feel pulsations in my lower back as if blood is starting to flow again. It’s like a painful twinge, but a good healing type pain, if that makes any sense.

I had some good news and bad news this morning that I also want to write about.

I called Rob (our renter) and asked if the Plumber made it out to the house. He said he fixed the leaks in both bath tubs and fixed the water pressure issue in the kitchen sink. He said they were easy fixes and he didn’t need to cut through any drywall. Wow! What a relief! There is a reason I have this plumber on my contacts list. I call him for everything.

Bad news is that my mom called and said she is in Atlanta selling hot tubs this weekend. She is going to miss Gehrig’s baptism. I can’t say that I’m surprised or even disappointed. But I felt I should write about it because there might be some underlying past emotions that this brings up.

My mom has a history of letting me down. It was a bigger deal when I was younger. In Junior High it was the worst. I was living with her in Salt Lake. I made the basketball team and even did track in 9th grade. In all of 8th and 9th grade I remember her coming to only 1 or 2 games. Often she would tell me she was coming and I would look for her and never see her. Afterwards she would explain why she wasn’t able to come and I was always quick to forgive and forget about it. Yet I wonder if I really forgot about it. I wonder if it causes internal rage. I would venture to guess that many psychologists would say that it had an effect on me.

Even in high school when I was near Salt Lake I would make it a point to let her know when I had games near her. I don’t remember her ever coming to watch. I remember my Junior year I had a football game in Heber. I let her know about the game. I played a great game. I stripped a player of the ball for a turnover. I caught a touchdown pass in the back of the end zone just before the end of the first half and took out some of their drill team. After the game I when I asked my mom about the game she explained that she just caught the very end of it. She had to come because I was going out to stay with her for the weekend, but she didn’t show up soon enough to watch me.

It seemed to me though that she always made to Toby’s games. I don’t know if he was more adamant that she be there, or if she just enjoyed watching his games more. I assume it was a bit of both

In contrast, Connie was at all my games – at least my home games. She would often pray for me that I would do well. I should probably take the time this morning to send her an email and tell her thank you because she certainly filled a gap in my life at that time.